Friendship. The most important of all relationships but seen as a value among those who hold it close to their hearts. Friendship with your parents, peers, children and your partners. So many kinds of friendships exist in our real lives and we never pay attention to the most underrated thing in media today: friendship. There was a time where poets wrote whole books for their dead friends because that's how huge the hole of grief is when one loses a dear friend. So what happens to our friendships? Where do friends sway, as we get older and busier? Perhaps just busy in their life, perhaps your friendship is not the top priority, perhaps you're not as important as you thought. Or is it? Studies find that the more our connection on the internet increases worldwide, the more isolated we are becoming. It's too comfortable to attend meetings online, swipe people to like and even buy your grocery conveniently from your couch if you have the extra money. So you don't need to really leave your house unless you're a dog owner. In that case, out poop scoop and back inside. Winter in January is a deadly visitor mostly uninvited by those of us living on the north pole but lately winter has had its moods of spring which is a worldwide. It's usually dark here when you wake, dark when 3pm arises and most of us suffer from SAD. Going back to friendships, here's some things we all have under control if we learn early what not to do to not just your friends, but anyone you come across, but mostly here's how to not lose friendships you want to keep forever:
1) Do not be a shitty friend in grief. PLEASE! This is a must. Choose any time in life to take out whatever mountain is building up inside you regarding your friend who just lost a loved one, but please do not misbehave with someone already in the depths of grief and despair. Please know this is the worst time of their lives, perhaps their life would never look the same again so have some empathy where you don't and keep in mind, we all stand on this stage at some point in our lives, death is something not your grandma can escape. It comes for us all. Enough doom, let’s get to the next point.
2) GROW UP. Life requires us to leave our tantrums and moods aside when something serious goes down and what isn’t serious as you get older? Fast forward ten years in a friendship and if you only enjoy their company for drugs, or for supporting your several other sources of stimulation and there’s nothing else that connects you, it isn’t what they call a friendship that will stick around in hard times. I know a friend who had a fall down with every substance after he lost someone close to him, including the ones that helped him. Something of the chemistry wiring differently in severe depression and grief. As soon as the substance was gone, his close friend was gone too. His friend would rather chill with other substance takers, so was he ever really present? Be aware of those who love to check out mentally around you, chances are they are not very interested in you for your best interest and they are just wasting time in life but not just theirs.
3) Socialize! I can’t stress enough that even if you’re not a drinker, even if you can’t make it out - push yourself to try various social scenes around your area! It doesn’t have to be anything extreme, a yoga class? A writing or acting class for the creatives, perhaps a Paint and Sip night? A hip hop dance class is definitely worth it! It doesn’t really matter if you want to engage with people or not, as long as an activity is involved, you can get out and also have some fun! We tend to put socializing in a box meanwhile the point really is the connection you catch with others. You never know who you meet, especially when that gut feeling is butterflying you out. So go out to that birthday party or that dance club, even if you can only spare to stand around 10 minutes.
4) Respect your friends situations! If you really really love your friends and want to always have them around for the sole sake of friendship, please respect your friend’s needs in the situations we get thrown in with life. Take your time to get to know them and love them for who they are, long term friendships when cared for are nothing less than a beautiful fresh spring garden, it can soothe the soul.
5) Leave toxic friendships. My therapist told me that people, even groups of very tight friends will find ways to get together in order to repeat the same patterns that bring them pain in one way or another. Sometimes it’s this self destructive substance abuse behaviour, other times it’s just to gather and hate a certain kind of group of other people so they can support their own small, immature egos and stay contained in the comfort of hating others they can’t connect with or won’t bother to know. And some friends in these groups, the rare ones like myself - grow out of these patterns. Toxic friendships can drain you faster than you realize, suddenly when you find yourself broken over a breakup and the person you thought was your best friend discards you for the sole reason of being unwanted by someone else, you find out what this friend is made of. Do you have a friend who rubs their good life in your face and forgets the time you were there for them? The time of their turn in the dark pit? People do turn out to be blindly evil and that’s just a fact of human nature and the great unconsciousness. Those we heal don’t necessarily heal us back, they might break us too. But it’s our choice, knowing this difference between their unsolved issues and your own. So leave if your heart is tired and brain is overworked, friendships are a safe space and a play garden, leave if it’s anything else but.
6) Don’t just stick to your partner for friendly support. I would highly suggest you follow point #3 if this is you. You cannot rely on a sole relationship, especially when trying times appear in life and sometimes you just need a conversation with and old friend to remember what a tough cookie you can be. Lost a parent? Got a breakup gifted to you in an already bad time? Call that friend who will cut onions while hearing you vent and cry, who will mute you while taking a piss but not interrupt you from bawling your heart out in words. We need people! People need people, that’s how it’s always been. Have you heard of the rice experiment? This one where they take three different bottles of rice, soak them in water and do 3 things every day for 60 days: love the first bottle, really really spoil it like your child and tell it how much you love it. But second bottle of rice, you can yell at it, hate it, imagine screaming at your high school bully- it’s this second bottle of rice right here, so get it all out. Every day. I know this might require some patience but hey! The third bottle, you can just leave this one ALONE. Extremely and completely leave it isolated and alone, don’t talk to it, don’t bother with it, just let it sit in a corner untouched, untold to. Watch what happens. Apparently, energy works to this extent that your words that you speak to these three bottles determine their ends. You can do this experiment at home, it’s pretty harmless although, I’d warn you I’m not sure what kind of substances can be produced in the second and third bottle. But the cake of the story is that the third bottle suffers the most brunt, the brunt of life I mean, the brunt of isolation, and isolating existence. You may try the same with a plant, but you’d have to water it, but you can try to scream at one and be tender to another, might be a good cathartic exercise if you’re a plant killer. So even if you are the biggest introvert around, please watch how you talk to yourself if alone for long periods of time. Our own internal language manifests our reality, and judges our behavior in stressful circumstances. We can also take away from this experiment that we as human beings are not meant to survive alone, we are meant to share, cry, hurt together (Midsommar anyone?) and communities thrive when nurtured by each one. Much like what the message from Into The Wild movie was, happiness indeed is real when shared. So go out to your geek crowd, go for those funny evening jogging groups, that halloween coven night or get your dog to the dog park and chat with other happy dog owners!
So my friends! Know your friends, take your time to get to know your friends, watch how they talk to other people and about these same people behind their backs. You don’t want very close relationships with misanthropes, in my opinion that hatred does not just exist for the external world. One has to be human to know that pain touches us all, in one way or another and it is only human to always keep this in mind while on your own journey of passing other people by, friends or partners. Don’t let toxic people turn you toxic, then we might as well run a real life Purge on the entire world. Keep your wonderful heart of friendship alive, as you grow old and you grow wiser, you will grow strong and long lasting friendships. Just don’t be afraid to have a conversation.
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